


I'm not okay but I'm getting there

by WolfKomoki



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Based on my own depression, Depressed Derek Hale, M/M, Sheriff Stilinski's Name is John, Stiles's first name is maczysz
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-18 11:04:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4703696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfKomoki/pseuds/WolfKomoki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Derek really wants is to be alive again. Just because his heart is beating doesn't mean he's alive. Stiles just wants Derek to live again, for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Home](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3195734) by [TheTypewriterGirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTypewriterGirl/pseuds/TheTypewriterGirl). 



> Teen wolf is owned by MTV.  
> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=wstz4j)

          Stiles had moved in on a Saturday after graduation. Derek had shown up to support him as well as John. Stiles wished his mother could’ve been there, but having his dad and Derek there to support him made it all okay.

Derek didn’t want to leave the safety of the loft, but he knew that he’d look like a total dick if he didn’t show.

          So he forced himself to get a shower and get dressed even though he had no energy to move, let alone get a shower, get dressed, drive to the school, style his hair, or put on his mask of happiness that he had grown accustom to, but for this event in Stiles’s life he would do it.

          He owed Stiles that much. He hadn’t gone back out after that. He just couldn’t muster up the energy, since he felt dead inside. What point was there when he lacked emotions? The voices would taunt him at night saying things like _“You’re not good enough”_

_“You’re pathetic”_

_“Stop crying”_

Derek forced himself to eat, not because he liked it, but because he needed food to live. If he didn’t need it to survive, Derek would never eat again because the thought of food made him physically ill. He felt nauseous and he never wanted to eat again, but he had to.

          For Derek his time had stopped, and the world continued to move with time without him. He knew he wasn’t actually dead, but he _felt_ dead. He could feel his heart breaking, which was odd considering he didn’t feel any emotions.

          Derek felt like he was stuck in slow-motion while the rest of the world marches on at normal speed. Derek finally collapsed into his covers as he buried his face into his pillow.

          He sobbed into the pillow as he finally let go and let his emotions come out. Stiles was walking towards his bedroom when he heard the muffled sobs coming from Derek’s room break the silence of the [rain](http://www.rainymood.com/) in the background.

          Stiles immediately got to his feet. He was wearing nothing but boxers as he slept, as he felt too hot to put on actual pajamas. He ran towards the sound, thinking that Derek was having a nightmare.

          He slowly opens the door as to not startle him, and he slowly walks over to him. It was shocking to him to see Derek’s face buried into the pillow as the tears poured from his eyes. Stiles gently grabbed his arm.

          “Derek, Hey I’m here.” He called out, hoping he could hear him. Derek slowly turned his face to look at Stiles, and Stiles felt his heart break when he saw the redness from the tears in his eyes.

          “Oh, Derek!” He gasped, crawling beside him and wrapping his arms around him. He wrapped the blankets around them both as he wiped his tears away.

          “Don’t cry, please?” Stiles begged, embracing him in his arms. Derek soon stopped sobbing and fell asleep. Stiles sighed and cursed under his breath. He had cried himself to sleep. Stiles soon fell asleep against Derek, cuddling him for most of the night. Derek woke early at three the next morning to feel something wrapped around his chest.

          Confused, he slowly opened his eyes to see Stiles cuddling him in his sleep. He didn’t want to wake him, but he wanted to get up. So he slowly moved Stiles’s arms as he slowly crawled out of the bed. It hadn’t stopped raining, but somehow it was comforting to Derek.

          He slowly walked out into the rain, not even bothering to bring a jacket as he stepped out into the cold rain. He breathed a sigh of relief when he stepped out into the fresh air, and he felt the rain drench him completely.

He walked away from the house, wanting to just get out of here.

          He found himself walking away from his loft for the first time in three months. He was a little apprehensive about leaving his home, but he just needed someone to talk to, and he didn’t want to wake Stiles.

          He found himself at Stiles’s old house when he finally stopped walking. He considered knocking on the door, but he couldn’t muster up the energy to move his hand.

          So he just sat on the ground and curled in on himself as the rain continued to drench him. It was around an hour later when he felt a hand grip his shoulder.

          “Derek.” The voice called out in the rain. It was then that Derek realized that he was being covered with an umbrella.

          “Please come out of the rain.” The voice belonged Stiles’s father John. He offered the young man a hand as he slowly grabbed his hand and stood. Derek remained silent as John practically pushed the younger man inside.

When he turned on the light and could properly see the first thing he noticed was that Derek had been crying.

          “Let’s get you into some warmer clothes, okay?” He begged the young man. Derek didn’t say anything as John grabbed his shoulder and pulled him towards the closet.

          “Come _on_ Derek, you’ll freeze if you don’t grab something to change into. _Please._ ” He was trying not to scream, as screaming at a man that was like this would not help. Derek eventually moved and grabbed some clothes that would fit, and he took off towards the bathroom.

          Eventually he changed out of his wet clothes, leaving them on the floor as he slowly stumbled out of the bathroom. When he eventually did go to the living room John had realized that Derek hadn’t said a word since he found him.

          He grabbed his phone and handed it to him. Derek looked at the screen.

It read,” _Do you want to talk?”_

Derek could hear the light rain outside as it hit the windows of the house. He looked up at John’s face to see genuine concern on his face.

          “Its…hard.” He finally spoke after many months of silence.

          “What is?” John asked, offering him a seat on the couch. Derek sat awkwardly to the side of him as he continued.

          “Living when you don’t feel anything. It’s hard, moving through the world, when you feel like your time has stopped, when everyone else’s time continues to march on. It’s hard to live, when you feel like you’ve died.” Derek hadn’t meant to tell him so much, but he felt that he could trust the sheriff so he told him some of what he was feeling.

          “You’re not thinking of…” John’s voice trailed off, but Derek knew what he meant. He thought that Derek was telling him that he wanted to end it all.

          “It’s also torture knowing that obviously you’re alive because your heart is beating. It’s maddening feeling like you’re moving in slow-motion while the world is moving at normal speed. It also doesn’t help when you feel inadequate because of the voices telling you that you’re worthless. It’s hard forcing yourself to eat because the thought of food makes you ill and you’d rather not eat but you do because you need it to survive. But most of all it’s hard putting on a mask and saying “I’m fine” when you really want to say “help me”.” John was speechless. This was the most Derek had ever said to anyone.

          He was depressed, and John was going to snap him out of it because Stiles needs him damn it!

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Stiles woke in a panic when he didn’t feel Derek on his side of the bed. He ran out of the room and ran to the kitchen, hoping that he left a note or something. _Do not panic, he_ ordered himself as he grabbed his phone from the kitchen plug.

          “Hey Maczysz hope I didn’t wake you. Derek’s staying with me tonight. I found him curled into a ball outside in the rain and I told him he could bunk here tonight. Oh, and Stiles, listen to this for me.”His father texted. Stiles hit play as he listened to what Derek had told him.

          _“It’s hard”_

_“What is?”_

_“Living when you don’t feel anything. It’s hard, moving through the world, when you feel like your time has stopped, when everyone else’s time continues to march on. It’s hard to live, when you feel like you’ve died.”_

_“You’re not thinking of…”_

_“It’s also torture knowing that obviously you’re alive because your heart is beating. It’s maddening feeling like you’re moving in slow-motion while the world is moving at normal speed. It also doesn’t help when you feel inadequate because of the voices telling you that you’re worthless. It’s hard forcing yourself to eat because the thought of food makes you ill and you’d rather not eat but you do because you need it to survive. But most of all it’s hard putting on a mask and saying “I’m fine” when you really want to say “help me”.”_

The recording cuts off after that, and Stiles was shocked to find a single tear pouring from his eye.

          _Stiles wiped away the tear and got to work. The first order of business was to clean around the house. Derek hadn’t left the house in three months, and Stiles was too busy worrying about his sourwolf. It first started with his hygiene._

_He hadn’t showered in three months. Next was the way he had been eating. Stiles watched him eat as if the thought of food made him nauseous and he was forcing himself to eat. He had stopped laughing, that was the next thing he noticed._

_His eyes were the next thing he noticed. His eyes were devoid of life, and he looked exhausted. Whether it was physical or mental Stiles didn’t know because he had stopped speaking at all for three months._

_Derek’s what’s wrong? Please talk to me. He would beg, but Derek wouldn’t talk. He reminded him of his mother when he would visit her at Eichen House, laying there, motionless, trapped in his own mind._

_It had started raining when Stiles heard it._

_The muffled sounds of a person sobbing. Stiles immediately got to his feet. He was wearing nothing but boxers as he slept, as he felt too hot to put on actual pajamas. He ran towards the sound, thinking that Derek was having a nightmare._

_He slowly opens the door as to not startle him, and he slowly walks over to him. It was shocking to him to see Derek’s face buried into the pillow as the tears poured from his eyes. Stiles gently grabbed his arm._

_“Derek, Hey I’m here.” He called out, hoping he could hear him. He couldn’t see his face, but judging by the drops on his pillow, Stiles could tell that he had been crying._

_Derek slowly turned his face to look at Stiles, and Stiles felt his heart break when he saw the redness from the tears in his eyes._

_“Oh, Derek!” He gasped, crawling beside him and wrapping his arms around him. He wrapped the blankets around them both as he wiped his tears away._

_“Don’t cry, please?” Stiles begged, embracing him in his arms._

Stiles will never forget watching Derek cry himself to sleep.

          Stiles continued to clean after the memory. It was a small gesture, but Stiles did it to show that he cares. After he cleaned the entire house today he decided to write Derek little notes on some sticky notes scattered throughout the house.

          Stiles heard the rain finally stop and he took that opportunity to put up some purple drapes over the windows of their rooms. He kept the windows in the living room open as it was nice to look out at the night sky every now and then. It still smelled like soot in the house and Stiles decided to break out some of his potpourri. Soon Stiles could smell the fragrance hit the room, and Stiles went into the bedrooms putting the potpourri in their rooms as well. Derek had come home around six.

          He slowly opened the door and walked inside when he was suddenly hit with the smell of potpourri. Derek’s breathing hitches when the scent of potpourri hits his nose.

 

          Derek hadn’t smelt the scent of potpourri since his mother died. Smelling it now was clearly his mind’s way to mess with him, because his mom was dead and he felt too worthless for his family to care about him now.

          “Oh hey Derek, did you like the candle?” Stiles asked, getting closer to him. Derek just stared at the glass, remembering all of his memories with his mother. He stopped soon after because in his current state of mind he could only remember the fights they had gotten into.

          Derek hadn’t taken his eyes off of the burning candle which worried Stiles. Derek breathed in, the scent of soot slowly fading away as the scent of potpourri filled his nose. He pulled Stiles in for a hug, saying nothing as he rested his head against his beating heart in a silent “thank you.”

          Stiles felt the tears pour from Derek’s eyes. He didn’t know what to do. Derek wouldn’t talk to him, just what the hell was he supposed to do? They stayed like that for an hour before Derek awkwardly pulled away, sluggishly walking to his room and shutting the door.

          Stiles had an idea. He walked into his room and started to dig for his empty notebook and a pen. Eventually he found them and he slowly knocked on Derek’s door with his free hand.

          Derek opened the door without a word as he stared at the object in Stiles’s hand.

“I um... write down my thoughts sometimes. I had an empty one if you wanted to do that.” Stiles stuttered. Derek grabbed the notebook and pen, still not saying a word as he slowly closed the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way this is unbeta'd so if you see any mistakes please point them out to me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sheriff and Scott do a big no no for depression. Don't force someone that's depressed to do things they don't want to do. How would you like to be forced to do something you didn't want to do?

          Derek scrawled the words in his head in the notebook. Words such as: “ _You’re worthless”_

_“Stop crying”_

_“It’s your fault”_

_“You’re pathetic”_

__   


 

When he saw what he had written he ripped the page out and crumbled it into a ball. He then threw it at the wall as hard as he could. He sighed. Why couldn’t the voices just leave him alone?

Why couldn’t he feel a damn thing?

          Derek would even do with anger right now, if he could feel anything. He can’t of course, which is part of the problem. The smell of potpourri was comforting at least, if nothing else could comfort him. Derek was startled by the sound of rocks hitting his bedroom window.

          “What in the world?” He groaned as he slowly moved the curtains from the window. Derek rolled his eyes when he saw that it was Scott at the window.

Scott stared at him, waiting for him to let him in. Derek rolled his eyes again as he opened his window.

          “You know there’s this great invention called a door Scott.” Derek sighed as Scott climbed in and sat in the chair next to the bed.

          “I know that, but knowing you you wouldn’t let me in.” Scott replied.

          “You know me too well.” Derek replied. Scott’s eyes turned into a gold color as he got closer to Derek sniffing him.

          “Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?” Derek complained.

          “You smell weird. I can’t read your emotions.” He explained as his eyes returned to normal.

          “You could’ve just _asked_ instead of sniffing me!”Derek complained.

          “Would you have told me though?” Scott asked. Derek sighed.

          “You really do know me too well.” Derek sighed.

          “Really Derek, what’s wrong with you?” Scott asked with concern. Derek sighed. He really didn’t want to have to explain this again. Why couldn’t people read minds, it would be so much easier.

          “Its…hard.” He started. He had had the same conversation with John and now he was having the same conversation with Scott. Scott just listened, not saying a word as Derek continued to speak.

          “Living when you don’t feel anything. It’s hard, moving through the world, when you feel like your time has stopped, when everyone else’s time continues to march on. It’s hard to live, when you feel like you’ve died.” Derek continued.

          “You don’t want to end it all do you?” Scott asked with concern.

          “Does everybody think that? Christ. It’s also torture knowing that obviously you’re alive because your heart is beating. It’s maddening feeling like you’re moving in slow-motion while the world is moving at normal speed. It also doesn’t help when you feel inadequate because of the voices telling you that you’re worthless. It’s hard forcing yourself to eat because the thought of food makes you ill and you’d rather not eat, but you do because you need it to survive. But most of all it’s hard putting on a mask and saying “I’m fine” when you really want to say “help me.” Derek told him.

          “I think you’re depressed Derek. My mom gets that way sometimes.” Scott told him. Derek went silent after that. Finally, he had a name for what was wrong with him.

          “Um Derek? Did I say something wrong?” Scott asked with concern after he went silent.

          “No, what you said was fine. It’s nice to know what the hell is wrong with me.” Derek told him. Scott nodded.

          “Go home Scott.” Derek told him. He was feeling like crying again and he didn’t want Scott to have to watch him cry himself to sleep.

          “No Derek.” Scott growled. He had helped his mom through depression and he was going to help Derek. Derek rolled his eyes and went to sleep.

Scott sighed and climbed out of the window, returning to his house since Derek refused to talk to him.

          Derek woke at three the next morning to feel an intense hunger. Oh right, he hadn’t eaten at all yesterday. Sighing, he walked into the kitchen and turned on the light to find the notes Stiles left for him.

They read _“You’re beautiful Derek.”_

_“You’re not worthless to me”_

And _“It’s okay to cry”_

Derek let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

          He still hadn’t gained his emotions back, but it had been four months now and he didn’t hear the voices taunting him anymore.

He suddenly realized that holy shit he actually felt hungry!

          Derek decided to heat up some Hot Pockets in the microwave since he didn’t know how to make pancakes.

Once they were done, he sat down and ate them with a glass of soda.

          Stiles sleepily walked into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and yawned.

         “Mmm Derek? Dude, what are you doing? It’s like three in the morning.” Stiles asked. Derek didn’t say anything. He didn’t have the energy to speak.

Stiles sighed.

          “Please talk to me Derek. I can’t stand not hearing your voice anymore. I just want to know what you’re thinking. Please, the silence is maddening.” Stiles was sobbing now.

          Derek wanted to speak to Stiles, he did, but he just couldn’t will his mouth to move. He hated that he couldn’t speak to Stiles. He knows that Stiles hurts every time Derek can’t speak to him. He grabs his notebook and begins to write.

          “I’m sorry.” He writes. Stiles sits down and they have a conversation via notebook.

          “Why are you sorry?” Stiles asks.

          “I know you want to hear my voice again, but every time I try to speak, I feel a slight panic and I just can’t speak.” Derek told him.

          “But you’ve spoken to Scott and my dad.” Stiles wrote with confusion.

          “They’re different than you. They won’t rest until I spoke to them. I wasn’t allowed to leave until I did.” Derek sighed.

          “Right I’ll talk to them. That’s not okay.” Stiles wrote. He then sent them both an angry text message.

          “Derek is depressed, and forcing him to speak when he doesn’t want to is not okay. Let him speak when he’s ready, don’t force him to!” He texted.

Derek smiled when Stiles told them off.

          He was glad Stiles understood why he couldn’t speak and he hoped that he would find his voice again.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

John texted Derek the next day.  
     _“I’m sorry I pushed you. I was trying to help and maybe I went about it the wrong way.”_ Derek replied with a smiley face emoticon.

  
Stiles sat next to Derek, who was currently sitting on the couch.  
    

“Hey Derek.” He smiled. Derek tried to speak but felt the panic rise in his throat again. Stiles could see the panic in his eyes and he handed him his notebook and pen, writing to him.  
    

_“I’m sorry, I’m not used to not verbally communicating. How are you?”_ He asked.  
    

_“I actually felt hungry yesterday for the first time in four months.”_ Derek told him.  
    

_“That’s great!”_ Stiles smiled. He then continued writing.  
    

_“Do you think you have the energy to eat at the In n’ Out burger?”_ He wrote. Derek thought about it for a while before writing.  
     _“Yeah, just let me shower and change.”_ He wrote, going to shower and change. After an hour he was showered, and had new clothes on.  
    

“Do you want me to bring the notebook?” Stiles asked. Derek nodded and Stiles got him to get in his jeep. They drove there and soon they were seated. They both looked at the menu and soon the waitress showed up.  
    

“Hi welcome to In n out. My name is Stacy what would you like to eat?” She asked.  
    

“I want a hamburger all the way.” Stiles said.  
    

“And what would you like?” She asked Derek. Derek panicked. He couldn’t speak. Stiles gave him the notebook and pen.  
    

_“I want a cheeseburger all the way.”_ Derek wrote.  
    

“He wants a cheeseburger all the way. “ Stiles told her.  
    

“No problem, we’ll have those right out.” She smiled as she delivered the order. Stiles grabbed the notebook and began to write.  
  

  _“Are you okay? We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”_ He asked.  
    

_“No, I want to do this. I just can’t speak.”_ Derek told him.  
    

_“Okay, you don’t have to.”_ Stiles told him.    

_“Thank you for understanding. The others just don’t.”_ Derek sighed.  
    

_“Have you heard from Isaac?”_ Stiles asked.  
    

_“No. His phone was shut off.”_ Derek told him.  
    

“ _Do you feel anything today?_ ” Stiles asked.  
    

_“No.”_ Derek wrote. Soon enough the food was brought and they began eating. After thirty minutes they paid and left in Stiles’s jeep.  
    

“Do you want to do anything else today Derek?” Stiles asked. Derek shook his head.  
    

“Okay let’s go home.” Stiles smiled as he drove to the loft. When they got there Derek nearly screamed when he saw Isaac standing at his door.  
He was a bit taller now, and he had grown some muscle.  
    

Derek couldn’t help but notice a scent that he didn’t recognize all over Isaac.  
    

“Sorry I didn’t know you weren’t home. Do you want me to come back later because I’m in town for a few days and—“ Derek shook his head.  
    

“Okay. Can I come in?” Isaac asked. He didn’t want to intrude on Derek’s home. He has been gone for years and only just now returned.  
Derek nodded and they all went inside.  
    

Once they were inside they sat on the couch, and Isaac realized that Derek hadn’t said a word since they got back.  
    Isaac wrote his phone number on the paper and handed it to both Stiles and Derek. They both programmed it into their phone.  
    

“Dude, that’s a France area code. Do  you even know French?” Stiles asked.  
    

**“Çomment allez-vous Stiles? Derek, Ca va bien?** ” Isaac asked.  
    

“Holy shit you actually can!” Stiles gasped, completely astonished.  
Derek just sat there in silence. He wanted to feel happy that Isaac had come to visit but he still didn’t have any emotions. Isaac had gotten his phone converted for his stay so it would work in America.  
    He decided to text Derek.  
    

_“You haven’t said a word since I showed up. Are you okay? Did you lose your voice?”_ He texted.

  
Derek thought about it. What would he tell him? He sighed. The truth, he would tell him the truth.  
    

_“Scott says I’m depressed. It’s like whenever I try to speak, I just have this fear and I can’t do it you know? Which is odd because I don’t feel emotions.”_ He replied. Isaac nodded. One of the members of his pack had selective mutism as a kid and she felt the same way though it’s not like depression.  
    

_“Have you been in the sun lately? It sounds stupid, but it helps.”_   Isaac asked.  
    

_“No but I’ll try.”_   Derek answered.

  
    

“So Isaac you’ve gotta tell us about France!” Stiles exclaimed. Derek and Isaac looked at him like: what the fuck Stiles?  
    

“What it’s quiet in here and I hate silence!” Stiles complained, his cheeks turning red.  
    

“So I’ve joined a new pack.” Isaac told him.  
    

“Really? That’s great!” Stiles exclaimed.  
Derek gave Isaac the thumbs up sign, still too afraid to speak.  
Isaac sighed and approached Derek slowly.  
He was sitting in the seat across from Stiles.

Derek could smell the scent of blood as Isaac approached him.  
Derek grabbed his right sleeve and moved it to see a large cut on his arm.  
Derek stared at it with silent concern.  
    

“Derek?” Stiles slowly approached the two when he saw Isaac’s arm.  
    

“Oh! Dude! Clean it or something!” He moaned, feeling lightheaded.  
Derek grabbed Stiles’s arm and pulled him away from the scene until he got him into his bedroom.  
Meanwhile Isaac stared at the cut on his arm.  
    

He moaned as it started to burn. It was glowing and Isaac didn’t know what to do.  He remembered the creature that had bit him.  
It was a large cat, much like a mountain lion, only it’s eyes were purple.  
It had smelled the wolf in him, and it had attacked him.  
Isaac went to Derek’s restroom and tended to the cut on his arms.  
    

Derek was frantically shaking Stiles trying to wake him. When Stiles didn’t wake he resorted to smelling salts. Stiles woke soon after as he inhaled the scent.  
    

“Oh God is Isaac okay?” Stiles asked, sitting up as fast as he could. Isaac walked into the room, his arm bandaged.  
    

“Isaac are you alright?” Stiles asked with concern.  
  

 “It’s fine Stiles. It’s been tended to.” Isaac told him.  
Derek was glad Isaac was here, even if he couldn’t find the courage to tell him.  
  
    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation: "Çomment allez-vous Stiles?" How are you Stiles?  
> "Derek, Ca va bien?" Derek, are you feeling okay?  
> Okay so my French teacher sucked. I barely learned anything so if anyone speaks French please correct it if it's wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote this when I was feeling ill so sorry if it doesn't make sense.

          Derek woke at three the next morning. He slowly rose from his bed and waited to see if he felt anything. He sighed when he didn’t feel anything. _How long is this going to go on? I just want to feel something, and I still can’t._

Derek sighed and decided to write in the notebook that Stiles gave him.

_“Hello, I’m Derek Hale. At least I think that’s who I am. Honestly, I felt nothing these past five months. I’ve felt dead these past five months. I’m not dead, of course, because my heart is beating and I’m writing this, but honestly it’s how I feel. Isaac came back from France for a visit and I know it kills him to see me this way. Stiles is understanding, but I know it hurts him too._

_I don’t feel emotions anymore._

_I pretend to be normal when I’m around people, putting on a mask and saying,”I’m fine” when I really want to say “Help me”._

_I guess it’s pointless though, trying to feel anything since I don’t feel anything._ ” Derek wrote.

He put the notebook and the pen away as he went to go check on Stiles. He slowly walked into his room to find him sleeping on the floor.

          Derek gently picked him up and slowly carried him to his room. Once he was there he tucked him in. Derek was surprised to find that he actually felt hungry for a second day in a row. When he went to the kitchen, he decided to make some hot pockets. Once they were done, he ate them and put up the dishes.

          Once he did that he listened to everything around the house. The house was eerily quiet except for Stiles’s snoring. Derek chuckled when he heard Stiles’s snoring, and when he walked into the living room, he was surprised by a knock at the door.

          Derek slowly walked to the door as he looked in the peephole to make sure it was safe before answering the door. Once he realized that it was Boyd and Erica he let them in.

          “Hey Derek. Did we wake you? Sorry if we did, we just didn’t know what time to visit you.” Boyd asked. Derek shook his head and gestured them inside. Erica and Boyd joined Derek on the couch as they began to try to converse with Derek. Erica had remembered Stiles telling them that Derek was unable to speak right now and prefers to communicate via notebook and pen, so she brought one with her.

          “ _Scott tells me that you’re depressed? Is that right Derek?”_ Erica wrote.

          “ _Yes, that’s right. It’s nice to have a name for what’s wrong with me, you know?”_ Derek told her.

          “ _How long have you been depressed, if you don’t mind my asking?”_ Boyd wrote.

          “ _So far it’s been five months._ ” Derek answered.

          “ _May I ask why you don’t want to communicate verbally?”_ Erica asked.

          “ _To put it simply: fear. It’s like whenever I try to speak I get this intense fear and it prevents me from saying anything, kind of like a lump in my throat.”_ Derek answered.

          “ _Derek have you heard of selective mutism?”_ Boyd asked.

          “ _No, I can’t say that I have.”_ Derek answered.

          “ _What you just described to me sounds a lot like Selective Mutism.”_ Boyd told him.

          “ _Well, that’s good to know. I thought something was wrong with my throat._ ” Derek told him.

          “ _By the way, did you know that Isaac is in town? He came by for a visit this week and today’s the second day he’s been here._ ” Boyd asked.

          _“I did actually. He visited Stiles and I last night.”_ Derek smiled.

          “ _How is he doing by the way? We haven’t heard from him in years._ ” Erica asked.

          “ _He says he gained a pack in France. He didn’t really go into too much detail, though, which is a shame.”_ Derek stated.

Erica and Boyd nodded as they noticed Stiles slowly walk into the room.

          “Stiles? What’s he doing up so early?” Boyd asked with confusion. Stiles walked over to the kitchen, stumbling with every step.

Derek slowly got up and approached Stiles. Stiles was sleep walking.

          Derek gently grabbed his hand as he lead him back to his bed where he eventually got him to lay back down. Once Stiles was back in his bed, Derek slept beside him, not letting him get up again during the night.

Erica and Boyd went home after that, as Derek had fallen asleep.

          Stiles woke early the next day to see Derek with his arms wrapped around him. He chuckled before gently moving Derek’s arms as he went to go make breakfast. Soon he was done and Derek slowly walked into the kitchen.

          “Hey Derek I made some pancakes. Do you want any?” Stiles asked with a smile. Derek nodded as they sat down and ate together.

They ate in silence as Derek still couldn’t find it in him to speak.

Derek still didn’t feel anything, which was annoying to him.

          How long was this going to go on? Derek really needed to know.

          “Did you maybe want to go out today?” Stiles asked. Derek shook his head.

          “Oh well alright.” Stiles muttered as he sat on the couch next to Derek.

He cuddled with Derek on the couch for a while until Derek fell asleep with his head next to Stiles’s chest. Stiles shook him gently, trying not to startle him.

          “Derek wake up.” Stiles called loud enough to rouse him, but not loud enough to startle him. Derek slowly woke and blinked at Stiles.

          “I know, but you’ll get a crick in your neck if you sleep on the couch.” Stiles told him. Derek nodded as Stiles got him to sleep in his bed. He watched over Derek when he was sleeping for a while, making sure he didn’t have any nightmares, and when he realized that he was sleeping just fine he decided to clean the house while Derek slept.

 


	6. Chapter 6

          It had been seven months and still Derek didn’t feel anything. Derek was starting to think that he’d never feel anything. Today he slept through the night for the first time in seven months. Usually he’d wake at three in the morning, but today he didn’t wake until nine in the morning. Stiles surprised Derek with breakfast in bed.

          “Um, hey you were sleeping for so long, and I thought I’d make you breakfast.” Stiles muttered as Derek slowly sat up. Derek smiled at him as he ate the food Stiles made for him. Once he was done, he put the dishes away and sat on the bed with Stiles, who had gotten a new notebook.

          _“Do you feel anything today Derek? I know I keep asking but I’m worried._ ” Stiles wrote.

          “ _Sorry, I still don’t.”_ Derek sighed. He hated making Stiles worry about him. He’s grateful for his understanding, but he just wants his emotions back. Would he ever get them back? Derek was starting to wonder.

          “ _I’m here if you ever need a shoulder to cry on.”_ Stiles told him. Derek hugged Stiles in a silent “thank you” as he let him go.

          “ _So I was thinking we could go for a walk today. You don’t have to say anything but a walk always helps me clear my head._ ” Stiles suggested.

          “ _Tie some clothes around my waist.”_ Derek told him as he slowly stripped out of the clothes he was in. Stiles yelped as his cheeks turned red because holy shit Derek was stripping in front of him! Stiles recovered from the shock after ten minutes and tied the clothes around Derek’s waist.

          Derek chuckled as he slowly transformed into his wolf form. Stiles tried not to laugh when he realized that his clothes were around Derek’s back in his wolf form. Derek nudged Stiles with his nose to tell him to get moving.

          “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m going.” Stiles told him. Derek’s wolf form had black fur and bright blue eyes.

Derek pawed at the door to Stiles’s jeep and Stiles chuckled as he helped Derek into the passenger seat.

Once he was buckled Stiles got in the driver’s seat and drove towards the forest.

          Once they were there Stiles got out and helped Derek out of the car.

Once he was on the ground Derek kneeled down as he waited for Stiles to climb onto his back.

          “Dude are you sure? I mean I might hurt you!” Stiles protested only to be met with a growl.

          “Okay, okay, okay! I’ll do it!” Stiles gasped as he climbed onto Derek’s back. Derek then took off running as Stiles held on for dear life.

Derek eventually ran out of breath after an hour and he stopped as he lay in the grass. Stiles laid with him as he pet the fur around Derek’s neck.

Derek nuzzled Stiles as he got closer to him, and Stiles smiled as he scratched behind Derek’s ears.

          Derek’s tail wagged as he tapped his paw and Stiles chuckled when he let go. Soon it started raining and Stiles ran to the jeep with Derek, who he helped into the passenger seat. Eventually Stiles drove home and when they got inside Derek went to go change back into his human form in his room.

          Stiles carefully untied the clothes from Derek’s back as Derek slowly but surely turned back to his human form. Stiles looked away to respect Derek’s privacy as he changed into his clothes. Once he was done, he tapped Stiles’s shoulder to tell him that he could look now.

          Stiles turned to look at Derek and right when he was about to grab the notebook the power went out. The power goes out every time it rains which was a mild annoyance, but Stiles didn’t push the issue because the house was technically Derek’s and Stiles didn’t own the place.

Stiles listened to the rain tap against the roof of the loft before Derek lead Stiles to bed.

          Derek was afraid of candles and Stiles was afraid of lighting so they decided to sleep together tonight. They lay there for hours just staring at each other before they both drifted off to sleep. Stiles woke up screaming when the house was struck by lighting, and Derek quickly woke up.

          He wrapped his arms around him as tight as he could without hurting him in a comforting manner since he still couldn’t speak.

Stiles was still shaking under Derek’s arms and that’s when he gently ran his fingers through Stiles’s hair. Stiles eventually stopped shaking as he felt Derek’s arms around him.

          “Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.” Stiles yawned. Derek grabbed his phone and typed “ _It’s okay, ”_ showing it to Stiles. Stiles nodded and went back to sleep, holding Derek as he refused to let him go.

Derek smiled and watched over Stiles as he slept, until he eventually fell asleep himself.

_Derek’s dream took place in a lake. The lake was pitch black as Derek continued to sink. Derek could hear the voices of the people standing outside the lake. Stiles, Erica, Boyd, Scott._

_They were begging him to get out of the water, but dream Derek was peaceful._     

          Stiles woke to feel tears on his face. He quickly woke to see that Derek was having a nightmare.

          “Derek Derek wake up!” Stiles called, frantically shaking him to try to wake him from his nightmare. Derek continued to sob in his sleep.

          “Derek, come on!” Stiles called again. When Derek didn’t wake Stiles grabbed his arms.

          “Derek wake up, please wake up. It’s just a dream Derek!” Stiles continued to call.

_Stiles’s voice broke through the darkness in Derek’s dream._

_“Derek wake up, please wake up. It’s just a dream Derek!”_ Stiles’s voice called out. Derek sat up gasping for air as he slowly came out of the dream.

          “It’s okay, Derek, you’re okay!” Stiles told him, still holding onto him in a comforting manner. Derek’s vision came back to see Stiles holding onto him.

Once he was sure that he was okay Stiles let him go.

Derek hugged him in a silent “thank you.”

 

 

         

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "To see a lake in your dream signifies your emotional state of mind. You feel restricted and that you can't express your emotions freely."  
> Source: http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreamdictionarysearch.pl?method=exact&header=dreamsymbol&search=Lake


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note in France it was 6:55 pm when this was written. In California it was 9:55 am. Here it was 11:55 am.

          Scott had been working on a scrapbook for Derek with any pictures of his family he could find online. After a week he was done and he decided to drop by Derek’s house. He decided to knock on the door this time, mainly due to Derek’s request.

          Derek slowly walked over to the door yawning with every step. Eventually he answered the door to see Scott scaring a scrapbook.

He stared at him in confusion, still silent.

          “Erm, I made this for you, um…” Scott muttered as he handed it to Derek.

Derek opened the scrapbook when he realized that there were pictures of his family there. He was quiet for several minutes before Scott began to worry.

          “Shit, I’m sorry I’m an idiot!” Scott gasped. He had probably brought up an old wound and upset Derek. Derek closed the book after a while and slowly walked over to Scott. He awkwardly held out his arms waiting to see if it was okay to hug Scott. He knew that Scott was uncomfortable with hugs and he didn’t want to upset him.

          “It’s okay, come on.” Scott told him as he hugged him.

          “Look man I’ve tried not to push you but you are going to _speak_ again aren’t you?” Scott asked after a while. Derek let him go as he clutched the scrapbook. He knew they missed his voice, but he just couldn’t get over the fear.

          “I did it again, shit.” Scott sighed. Derek shook his head in a silent “don’t worry about it”.

          “You can punch me if I hurt you.” Scott told him. Derek rolled his eyes. _I’m not going to punch you Scott._

          “I’ll just…go.” Scott told him as he started to leave. Derek grabbed his arm.

          “What?” Scott asked with confusion. Derek pointed to the door to say “come in”. Scott nodded and walked into to see Stiles typing furiously away at his keyboard on his laptop. He looked up when Scott walked in with Derek and closed his laptop.

          “Hey Scott, Hey Derek. Did you want some breakfast? I made a little too much this morning.” Stiles asked.

          “Uh, sure I could eat!” Scott told him as he, Derek, and Stiles ate breakfast together. It was silent as usual without Derek’s voice and Stiles and Scott missed it.

          “Has he spoken at all?” Scott finally asked. He knew Derek hated to be talked about while he was in the room, but he needed to know.

          “No. I can’t get him to say anything. Not even a hello. I’m really worried Scott. What if he never talks again?” Stiles answered.

          “I’m worried too but we’ve just gotta give him time.” Scott told him. Stiles sighed as Derek walked away with the scrapbook.

Derek went into his room and set the scrapbook on his nightstand.

He collapsed into his bed and covered himself as he cried into the pillow.

          Scott felt his heart break a little when he heard Derek’s muffled sobs. He shouldn’t have game him that scrapbook.

          “What’s wrong?” Stiles asked, noticing the sadness in Scott’s eyes.

          “I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have given him that scrapbook of his family.” Scott sighed.

          “But it shows you care. Go to him. He’d appreciate the company.” Stiles told him. Scott nodded and walked into Derek’s room.

          “Hey Derek. I’m sorry if I upset you. I thought it’d cheer you up to have those pictures, but I guess I upset you more by doing that.” Scott said as he sat by Derek. Derek sat up and grabbed his notebook and pen.

          “ _Thank you._ ” He wrote. Scott sighed with relief and hugged him as Derek sobbed into his chest. Scott patted his back in a comforting manner as Derek sobbed for hours. Derek eventually stopped crying as Scott let him go.

          “Hey I gotta go to work.” Scott told him.Derek pointed to the door and Scott drove off. Derek decided to try texting Isaac. He had upgraded his phone plan to international calls and texting now so he texted him.

          “ _Hey how are you doing?”_ He asked.

          “ _Good! I just taught one of my pack members to control the wolf!”_ Isaac replied. Derek wished Isaac was closer but he knew that Isaac wouldn’t abandon his pack, just as he wouldn’t abandon his.

          “ _Enough about me. Do you feel anything today?”_ Isaac asked.

          “ _No.”_ Derek answered with a sigh.

          “ _Don’t forget the sun._ _:)_ _”_ Isaac replied.

Derek chuckled and ran over to Stiles. He pointed to the door to tell him that he wanted to go outside.

          “Oh okay. Let me get dressed. You get dressed to, okay?” Stiles asked as he and Derek changed into their day clothes. Once they were dressed Derek showed him what he had written.

          “ _Let’s go to the forest, okay?”_ He asked.

          “ _Okay. Do you want me to bring the notebook?”_ Stiles asked.

          “ _Well I wanted to go for a run again.”_ Derek told him.

          “ _On all fours or two legs?”_ Stiles asked, trying not to make it sound like an innuendo.

          “ _On two legs if that’s alright with you.”_ Derek told him. Stiles smiled and got in the jeep as Derek sat in the passenger seat. Within an hour they stopped in the forest, and they both stretched before Derek and Stiles took off running. Granted Stiles was much slower than Derek, and ran out of breath much sooner than Derek, but Stiles was glad that Derek had asked to get out of the house. Derek ran out of breath an hour later to realize that he had left Stiles behind.

          _Shit._ He thought as he sniffed the air for his scent. Soon enough, he found him sitting on the old stump, trying to catch his breath. Derek sat beside him as he rubbed his back trying to get Stiles to catch his breath.

          Stiles eventually breathed much to Derek’s relief.

          “Sorry I don’t have the stamina you do.” Stiles chuckled. Derek kissed him as Stiles slowly stood up.

          “Let’s eat, I’m starving!” He smiled as he and Derek got in the jeep. They ate at in In N’ Out burger before returning home.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

It was now eight months and Derek still didn’t feel anything. He opened his mouth to try to speak. He was met again with the fear. Sighing, he lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He had stopped crying himself to sleep since Stiles had stayed with him, and when Stiles walked into his room with breakfast he chuckled as he slowly sat up. Stiles sat with him as they ate together.

When they were done Stiles put up the dishes and returned to sit with Derek.

          He grabbed the notebook and began writing.

          “ _I miss your voice Derek. I know you’re afraid of speaking, but I want to hear your voice again. I’m not trying to pressure you, but it’s driving me mad.”_ He wrote.

          “ _I know and I’m trying, but I just can’t Stiles.”_ Derek sighed. Stiles pulled him into a hug.

          “Hey, it’s okay. I understand.” Stiles reminded him. Derek sighed, whether from annoyance or relief Stiles didn’t know. Derek had hoped Jackson would text him, but Jackson had cut off all ties with Beacon Hills when he left for London. To be fair, Derek and Jackson didn’t get along, but the occasional texts to know he was alive would be nice.

          Derek didn’t have the energy to dwell on it. So, he lay his head on the table and closed his eyes, losing himself in his thoughts.

          “Hey, let’s sit on the couch.” Stiles told him, tapping his shoulder. Derek slowly got up and sat with Stiles on the couch. They sat in silence, watching Stiles’s favorite drama for hours until Derek fell asleep against Stiles’s arms.

          “Derek wake up. Let’s sleep in a bed, yeah?” Stiles called. Derek groaned with annoyance as Stiles lead him to his bed. Derek eventually went to sleep in the bed as Stiles turned off the lights.

_In Derek’s dream he was in Eichen House. He was being restrained as he looked up to see his teenage self staring back at him._

_“How did we end up like this?”_ His younger self asked. _Derek couldn’t move due to the restraints, couldn’t speak because of the drugs._

_“You know he misses your voice. I miss your voice, though I am you so of course I do. Paige wouldn’t want this if she were alive you know. And I do this: that boy loves you. He hurts everyday that you don’t speak. He doesn’t let on, but he’s crying over you some nights before you started sleeping together.” His younger self told him. Derek tried to scream._

_“Shhh don’t speak. The drugs are too strong and you’ll wake in a minute…”_ The dream faded when Stiles frantically called Derek’s name.

          “Derek, Derek, oh God, wake up! It’s just a dream Derek! Wake up!” Stiles called. Derek had cried out in his sleep, having another nightmare. Eventually he woke up with a gasp as he clung to Stiles, still trapped in his nightmare.

          “You’re okay. You’re safe, here with me.” Stiles reassured him. Derek’s eyes eventually focused as Stiles’s face came into his vision.

          “You think you can go back to sleep?” Stiles asked. Derek laid back down and tried to sleep again. _His dream took place in Eichen House again. He was being tied down and was given a sedative. He tried to scream, but the drugs kicked in soon and Derek was met by his younger self again._

_“You’ve got to fight this. You do know you’re a werewolf, don’t you?” His younger self growled. Derek scoffed. Yeah, well, I don’t feel much like one these days. His younger self watched as Derek fell asleep._

Derek woke in the morning to see Stiles bringing him breakfast.

          “Hey, you had a nightmare last night so I made you breakfast.” Stiles smiled as they ate together. Once they were done Erica knocked on the front door.

          “Stay here.” Stiles told him as he answered the door to see Scott, Erica, and Boyd.

          “Come in!” Stiles smiled as they all walked inside.

          “Derek man are you okay? You’re awfully pale and your heart is racing.” Boyd asked with concern. Derek scoffed. _Have you not been paying attention these eight months? I’m depressed genius._

          “Not that I can read your mind, but I imagine you’re being pretty sarcastic right now Derek.” Erica sighed. Derek rolled his eyes as they sat down.

          “Have you been having night terrors?” Scott asked out of the blue. Derek simply nodded.

          “Oh man, I didn’t realize it was that bad.” Erica gasped.

          “Stiles can you do anything about it?” Boyd asked.

          “I’m working on it.” Stiles admits. Derek still hadn’t spoken, and they all sighed. Derek couldn’t stand it anymore. He took off towards his room and slammed the door.

          “What was that about?” Scott asked.

          “Hell if I know.” Erica muttered.

          “I’ll go talk to him,” Boyd said as he followed Derek. He froze when he realized that he had walked in on Derek nude.

          “Fuck! I should’ve knocked. I’ll just… um…”He backed away, now fully embarrassed. Derek shifted into his full wolf form and picked up the clothes in his mouth. He nudged Boyd’s hand.

          “What? You want me to tie those to you?” Boyd asked. Derek wagged his tail. Boyd tied them around his back as Derek ran into the living room.

          “Holy shit, there’s a wolf with clothes around its back!” Scott cursed.

          “That’s Derek Scott.” Stiles told him. He busted out laughing when Scott fainted from shock.

          “He didn’t know?” Boyd asked as Erica tried to wake him.

          “I guess not.” Stiles said as Derek ran out of the house.

          “Derek wait!” Stiles called as he ran after him. Derek ran into the forest where Stiles collapsed from exhaustion. Derek immediately stopped running and ran over to him, worriedly licking him. Stiles’s heart was pounding and his throat felt tight. Thoughts ran through his mind like: _What if Derek is never okay?_

And _why can’t I help him?_

And _This will pass, This will pass, This_ _will pass._

Stiles was hyperventilating now and the only thing Derek could do was emit a loud howl.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way Derek will start talking again in a year. Yeah my depression was just that bad.


	9. Chapter 9

Scott heard the very loud howl from the house. It was worried, and strained. He immediately sat up as Boyd grabbed his arm.

          “Easy, easy Scott! You’ve been through a shock!” Boyd warned as he sat up. It was then that the howl became louder.

          “Derek!” Boyd shrieked as Scott got up. Erica, Scott, and Boyd ran towards the sound where Derek had turned back to his human form and Stiles was running around the forest in a circle.

          “Stiles!” Boyd called as he ran over to him and grabbed his arm.

          “Stiles what are you doing? What’s wrong?” Boyd asked with concern.

          “I can’t…I can’t…I…can’t breathe.” Stiles gasped out.

          “Scott! Fuck what do I do?” Boyd asked. He didn’t know what was going on with Stiles. Scott ran over to him as Boyd let go of his arm.

          “Stiles I need you to breathe.” He ordered. Stiles’s breath hitched in his throat.

          “You’re okay Stiles. I need you to breathe.” Scott repeated. Stiles gasped as the words seemed far away. Derek jumped into Stiles’s arms, panting as Stiles pet his fur. Stiles gasped for air as he started to calm down.

Derek licked Stiles and whined as he eventually managed to breathe.

          “Oh gross dude!” Stiles complained when he was grounded. Derek had licked him! Derek licked him again as Stiles laughed.

          “Okay, okay, okay, alright!” Stiles laughed. He lifted Derek, who barked at him with annoyance as Stiles put him inside Boyd’s car.

Boyd drove them home and after they went inside, he drove himself and Erica home.

          “Thanks Derek.” Stiles told him as he scratched under his ears. Derek tapped his foot as his tail wagged which Stiles found utterly adorable.

          “Oh my God Derek you’ve got to stop I might die from your adorableness!” Stiles teased. Derek slowly grew legs as he began to grow taller, Stiles watched as his skin slowly came back and he slowly but surely returned to his human form. Stiles unties the clothes and hands them to Derek.

Derek chuckled when Stiles’s cheeks turned red.

          Once he was dressed Stiles’s cheeks returned to normal and Derek grabbed his arm as he looked at him in concern.

          “Hey, I’m okay now. Don’t worry.” Stiles told him, wrapping his arms around Derek. Derek grabbed the notebook and wrote ,” _You’re sure?”._

_“Okay, well no. I was afraid you were taking off.”_ Stiles told him.

          “ _If I do take off you’re coming with me Stiles.”_ Derek told him.

Stiles’s cheeks turned red when he wrote that and he hugged him.

          “Thanks.” He told him, still hugging him. Eventually he let go when he noticed the uncomfortable look in Derek’s eyes.

          “ _Want to go for a walk?”_ Stiles asked.

          “ _At eleven at night?”_ Derek asked.

          “ _Yeah, we can go to our favorite forest!”_ Stiles smiled.

          “ _Can you even see in the dark?”_ Derek asked.

          “ _Good point._ ” Stiles smiled as Derek grabbed his hand. He leads him upstairs where he then turned on some hanging ornaments that lit up the entire room. Stiles stared at the room in shock when he took in all the ornaments glowing against the pale moonlight.

Derek stared at Stiles with concern when he froze.

          Eventually he poked him in the shoulder as hard as he could.

          “Ow! What was that for?” Stiles complained, rubbing his shoulder.

Derek played the music on the record player and pulled Stiles in to dance.

          “I don’t know how to slow dance Derek.” Stiles told him.

Derek was suddenly met by a dog whistle that was used by one of the cops about twenty miles away from the loft to train his dog.

He tried clutching his ears to block out the sound, but the whistle was so loud he ended up collapsing onto the hardwood floor.

          “Derek? Holy shit! Derek?” Stiles gasped as he bent down and started to shake him.

          “Derek wake up!” Stiles called as he frantically shook him. When he didn’t respond Stiles put ear muffs over Derek’s ears, hoping to block out the sound. Stiles had figured out the signs of when anyone was using a dog whistle.

          “Come on Derek!” Stiles called as he started to shake him again. Derek eventually woke when the ear muffs muffled the sound of the whistle, and he slowly stood up to see the worried look on Stiles’s face.

          “God you scared the shit out of me when you collapsed like that!” Stiles complained. Derek gripped his head with pain as Stiles threw a jacket at him.

          “Here try covering your head with the hood.” Stiles told him. Derek nodded as he removed the muffs. He tried to put the hood up but his hands were shaking from the sound.

          “Derek? Dude, you alright?” Stiles asked with concern as he got closer. He helped him put the hood up after putting the ear muffs on him.

          “Come on, let’s go to your basement. Maybe it’ll block out the sound.” Stiles told him as he lead him to the basement. When they got there Derek removed the muffs and the hood. He sighed with relief when he couldn’t hear the sound of the whistle anymore.

          “Okay, you gotta tell me if you’re okay now.” Stiles told him. Derek nodded as he lay on the cold floor of the basement. Stiles lay with him as they lay there in each other’s arms.

          “So I was thinking once you’re feeling better we should go on our first real date that doesn’t involve a burger. What do you say?” Stiles asked, handing him the notebook. He took it as Stiles turned on the lights. Derek had installed lights in the basement when Stiles moved in.

          “ _Sure, that sounds nice.”_ Derek wrote.

                    “ _Do you think we can go back to the house? It’s kind of cold in here.”_ Stiles asked. Derek nodded as they both got up and went back to the house. When they got back in the house Derek went to sleep, exhausted from the noise. When he woke the next day Stiles brought him breakfast.

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

                    It had been a year since Derek had stopped talking. Scott, Erica, Boyd, and Allison gave up on trying to get him to talk since it was obvious that he never would. Derek hated seeing the look on their faces as he knew that they had given up on him. The first emotion he felt in a year was anger. Anger that they had given up on him, anger that he wasn’t happy, anger that he was depressed, anger that he doesn’t feel better. The only two people that hadn’t given up on him were John and Stiles.

          Derek sighed. He was slowly suffocating in this house. He wanted to get out right now. So, he packed some luggage for him and Stiles. He slowly walked over to Stiles, who was currently on his MacBook. Derek gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention.

          “Oh hey Derek. Let me save my work.” Stiles smiled as he saved everything and shut it down.

          “I can’t take it anymore Stiles.” Derek finally spoke. His voice was foreign in his throat after not speaking for an entire year.

          “Can’t take what?” Stiles asked with concern.

          “Being here. I just want to get out.” Derek sighed.

          “Where would we go though?” Stiles asked.

          “I have a vacation home owned by my family. It was turned over to me when they all died. Anyway, it’s kind of in New York.” Derek told him.

          “Like New York, New York?” Stiles asked. Derek chuckled and kissed his cheek.

          “Yes like New York New York.” Derek laughed.

          “When are we going?” Stiles asked.

          “You’d drop everything and go just like that?” Derek asked.

          “Can’t have you meeting other boys in New York can I?” Stiles teased.

Derek rolled his eyes as he helped pack Stiles’s computer stuff.

“Seriously Stiles I need to know if you’re okay with this.” Derek exclaimed.

          “I need to know when you plan on leaving first.” Stiles told him.

          “Well shit.” Derek swore.

          “You haven’t even thought about that?” Stiles exclaimed.

          “Is next week, okay?” Derek finally asks.

          “Sounds great to me!” Stiles smiled. The next week finally did pass and Derek and Stiles headed to New York. When they got there Derek and Stiles went inside Derek’s vacation home as they unpacked. Derek didn’t really know how long he’d be here, but he needed a change of scenery.

          Stiles wasn’t used to the noise of the city, but for Derek he could get used to it. He wasn’t fond of the city air either, but he’d learn to live in it.

The house he was in was smaller than the lot, but Stiles didn’t really mind it too much.

          It reminded him of his home when he lived in Poland when he was ten, which made it feel homey. The house was dusty which was suffocating to Stiles. Stiles ran outside the door into the fresh air as Derek cleaned the dust out of the house. Once it was clean he told Stiles that it was okay to come back inside. Stiles walked back inside as he put his luggage in the room Derek had designated to be their bedroom.

          Derek had only left a note with John, since he was the only person left that hadn’t given up on Derek. Derek unpacked the rest of the luggage as he breathed a sigh of relief. With the change of scenery he no longer felt like he was slowly suffocating. Stiles looked around the living room before he unpacked his stuff.

          The living room mainly had black and grey colors, with the occasional red to make the room pop. To the left was a sliding glass door which helped light the room during the day. Outside the sun was shining behind the clouds. The surrounding area consisted of a large, red brick building, a tall grey building, a reddish-brown castle like building, and a tree which covered a white house.

          When Stiles set his stuff down, Derek helped him unpack his things in their bedroom. Once they were in the room Stiles took in the scenery. The walls were gray, which matched the living room. The floor was made of dark brown wood, a yellow rug was underneath the bed, and a black chair sat next to the sliding glass doors. Next to the bed was a brown basket like night stand with a tall, white lamp. Above the bed Stiles hung up the framed portrait of him and Derek sitting in a field of flowers.

          Derek was feeling angst today, that much he figured out on his own. Because of this Derek lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling, contemplating on whether leaving was a good or bad idea.

He thought of John first. He had made it his personal mission to help Derek, sending him little trinkets as he knew that he liked that sort of thing.

          Next he thought of Boyd. Boyd was the last person to give up on him, but he still gave up on him eventually. Next he thought of Erica. She hadn’t really tried to help him, at all. It hurts to know that she doesn’t care.

Finally, he thought of Scott. He’ll never forget the look on Scott’s face when he said,” _I’m sorry Derek, I can’t help you”._

His eyes were red with tears, and so full of guilt. Derek never wanted to see that look in anyone’s eyes again.

          Stiles sat next to Derek and gently put a hand on his shoulder. Whatever Derek was thinking about was sad, as Stiles could see the sadness in his eyes.

Derek eventually snapped out of his thoughts when Stiles put his hand on his shoulder in an effort to comfort him. Derek smiled as Stiles let go of his shoulder.

          “What are you thinking about?” Stiles asked after several minutes of silence, snapping Derek from his thoughts.

          “Just how everyone except for you and John gave up on me.” Derek answered.

          “Ouch, you’re feeling angst today aren’t you?” Stiles asked. Derek simply nodded.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long! I was suffering from Writer's Block. I finally managed to get over the Writer's Block.  
> For sneak peaks have a glance at my tumblr!  
> http://moonigaming.tumblr.com/


	11. Chapter 11

Derek woke the next morning to find Stiles in the midst of a panic attack.

          “Stiles, you’re okay. Everything is okay.” Derek reassured him like a mantra. He was used to this by now, as Stiles had panic attacks quite frequently. Derek’s voice was still far away to Stiles.

          “Stiles, I’m right here. I’m right beside you.” Derek spoke as loudly as he could without frightening him.

          “Stiles I need you to breathe okay? Can you do that?” Derek asked. Stiles blinked. Was that Derek? He couldn’t remember what his voice sounded like right now.

          “Come on Stiles. Inhale, exhale. One, two, three.” Derek pleaded. Stiles’s panic attack was silent this time. If it wasn’t for his racing heart Derek would worry that he’d keeled over.

          “-Ome on Stiles. Inhale, exhale. One, two, three.” Derek’s voice finally reached Stiles’s ears. Stiles let out a choked breath.

          “Okay, that’s good. I need you to try to regulate your breathing. Can you do that?” Derek asked. Stiles simply nodded.

          “Do you want to go outside or take a walk? I’ll do either.” Derek asked.

          “Walk.” Stiles gasped as Derek helped drag him outside.

When they got there Stiles curled into the ground. Derek sat on the ground with him as they sat listening to the forest sounds for hours.

Stiles eventually calmed from the panic attack and fell asleep against Derek’s chest.

          “Stiles, wake up.” Derek gently called as he shook him.

          “Why?” Stiles finally asked.

          “Because forests aren’t made for sleeping in.” Derek told him as he slowly got up. Derek picked Stiles up and carried him to the car.

Stiles snored into his shoulder to which Derek rolled his eyes.

          “At least get in the seatbelt.” He chuckled as he shook him awake.

Stiles sat in silence the rest of the car ride. Finally, they were home and Stiles went to sleep. Stiles woke in the morning to the sounds of Derek crying in his sleep.        

          “Hey, hey Derek wake up!” Stiles called, shaking him. Derek grabbed his arm before waking fully.

          “Shh Derek, you’re okay.” Stiles reassured him as he pulled him in for a hug. Derek was hesitant at first, but eventually buried his head against Stiles’s chest and breathed in as he listened to his heart thumping against his chest.

          “Hey Derek, are you okay now?” Stiles asked. Derek had fallen asleep to the sound.

          “Derek?” Stiles asked with concern. He then realized that he had gone back to sleep.

          “Oh, okay.” Stiles chuckled as he gently pushed him down on the bed, covering him as they went back to sleep. Derek woke the next morning to the smell of pancakes. He slowly walked into the kitchen where Stiles was currently talking with his father in Polish. Derek didn’t understand what he was saying, but he figured it was private so he grabbed some of the pancakes and went in the other room to eat to give him some privacy.

After an hour Stiles sat by Derek.

          “What are you doing in here?” He asked.

          “You were on the phone, figured you’d want it to be private even if I don’t speak Polish.” Derek answered simply.

          “Well that was sweet, but it doesn’t really matter.” Stiles smiled. Derek sighed as he thought of the others back home. He missed them, but he wasn’t ready to go back to Beacon Hills just yet. Beacon Hills was like a dark cloud that choked the life out of him, and he just wanted to be away for a while.

He received a call from Scott.

          Derek hesitated a bit before answering the phone.

          “Derek, are you and Stiles okay?” Scott gasped into the phone.

          “What? We’re fine, why?” Derek asked.

          “Well, excuse me for worrying when my best friend and his boyfriend disappeared in the middle of the night without explanation! Mierda Derek!” Scott growled. He slipped into Spanish sometimes when he was really upset.

          “Well, Lo siento Scott but none of you acted like you cared, but now that we left suddenly you act like you give a shit?” Derek growled.

          “Whoa Derek! Don’t you think you’re being a little harsh?” Stiles gasped.

          “Just GO Scott!” Derek screamed as he hung up the phone. Derek put his phone down and threw the nearest cup at the wall. It broke with the contact, and Derek felt his claws appear with his anger. They dug into his hands, which caused them to start bleeding.

          “Shit Derek!” Stiles gasped as he grabbed his arms.

          “Stop! You’re going to hurt yourself!” Stiles begged, holding onto him as tightly as he could to try to calm him down. Derek eventually relaxed into Stiles arms as he sobbed into his chest. Stiles patted his back in an effort to comfort him.

          They stayed like that for an hour before Derek’s claws disappeared. Stiles massaged Derek’s shoulders, hoping to relieve some tension, as the angry, glowing blue eyes were frightening him a little bit. Derek’s eyes eventually went to normal as he finally calmed down.

          “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Derek asked with concern.

          “No you tried to hurt yourself.” Stiles sighed sadly. Derek sometimes tries to hurt himself when he gets angry, and it frightens Stiles. Derek looked down to see the massive gash in his hands.

          “Derek we’ve gotta clean that. It’s not healing.” Stiles told him as he went to fetch medical supplies. Derek sat on the couch as he waited for Stiles.

Stiles came back ten minutes later with the supplies.

          He started with washing his hands, and then put on protective gloves. Once he did that he wrapped a cloth around Derek’s hands, waiting to stop the bleeding. The bleeding eventually stopped and he removed the cloth.

          “So this is going to sting like hell.” Stiles warned as he applied Antibiotic to the wound. Derek screamed with pain until it settled in the wound. After that Derek’s natural werewolf healing abilities kicked in and the wound closed its self up.

          “God Derek, you’ve got to stop hurting yourself. It scares me when you do that.” Stiles sighed.

A year had passed since then, and Derek had finally recovered from his depression.

          They had returned to Beacon Hills, and when Scott met them at the airport they were met with hugs from everyone they had left behind.

 

 

 

 

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:
> 
> Mierda=Shit  
> Lo Siento= I'm sorry
> 
> Update: 11/23/2015 I'm so sorry but this story had to be ended way sooner than I would have liked. I have writer's block and unfortunately I had to end it way sooner than I would have liked.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic as a way to speak out about my depression. When I was depressed I didn't have anyone to help me because my parents didn't believe me about my depression. So I had to help myself.  
> It took me three years to get out of my depression.  
> Please if someone is telling you that they feel depressed, don't reject them by saying "you're not depressed, you're fine." because in turn you show them that they can't rely on you and that trust is broken.


End file.
